Stop Making Assumptions: The Biggest Problem in Couples Therapy
Assumptions are the silent killer of communication. Learn why being present and asking direct questions transforms relationships.
In my years as a couples therapist, I've witnessed one pattern destroy more relationships than infidelity, financial stress, or incompatibility combined: assumptions. They're the silent killer of communication, operating beneath the surface of every heated argument and cold shoulder.
The Problem: Individually Based, Not Relational
Assumptions are inherently individual constructs. When you assume, you're operating from your own history, your own fears, your own nervous system—not from the shared reality you've created with your partner. This is couples therapy's biggest problem: two people sitting in the same room, but living in entirely different narratives about their relationship.
A Common Example
Consider this scenario: You're dating someone new. Things feel good. You assume exclusivity because, from your perspective, that's obvious. Your partner, operating from their own assumptions, believes you're both still exploring options. Neither of you has asked the question directly. This isn't a moral failure—it's a predictable outcome of two nervous systems running on different operating assumptions.
The Solution: Presence and Direct Questions
The antidote to assumptions is surprisingly simple, though not easy: be present and ask direct questions. This requires tolerating the discomfort of not knowing. It means saying, 'I want to understand where you're at with us' instead of constructing elaborate theories about your partner's silence. It means choosing curiosity over certainty.
Building an assumption-free relationship starts with one commitment: when you notice yourself filling in blanks about your partner's thoughts, feelings, or intentions, stop. Breathe. Ask. The conversation that follows—however uncomfortable—is the relationship. Everything else is just two people managing their own anxiety in the same house.
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